“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” *

For My Love:

You said tonight that we are desperate. Then you clarified and said that you are, because you are old.

I do not see you as old, my love. We are late coming to each other as lovers...but we've long been friends...and I think we came to love each other at just the right time in our lives.

I would agree that we had both come to a place where we thought nothing would ever change. That as far in the future as we could see, things would never really change in us and for us. Maybe some things would change externally – like homes, jobs, neighbors, and even a few friends. But I think we were both set in our hearts...or at least our minds...that we ourselves were unchanging, and just going along with life as life came to us.

Then we rediscovered each other as friends...and allowed our curiousity to be aroused as to what else might be possible for us. We each made, at first, a small...internal...but all-important change inside ourselves...that allowed us to dream and hope for something more than just the status quo in our lives. Tentatively at first. With a lot of maybes qualifying even the smallest of future plans. We are worriers and our anxiety...and perhaps our complacency with how things had always been for us...kept us from being too self-assured in the “what can be” department, and we danced still awhile longer in the “well...it would be nice if” realm. So many ifs.

But we grew bolder...independently and jointly. And our maybes became “can be” and now we are working on “will be”. Will be. We'll be.

You're 55. I am 51.

But we are not old, my love. We are mature. We are seasoned by life and practicality. We are wise to the ways of the world in many respects. We know that time passes...too quickly...and that we won't have it forever. We know that things happen suddenly and all that is external can change in an instant. We don't deny that there will be an end to all things...even ourselves.

But we are not “old” in the sense that we have nothing left to live for, strive for, learn, give, receive. We have not given up on life in the least.

We gave up...not even unwillingly...the idea that life was all planned out for us as far as we could see. We took a chance that there was more out there for us...and more inside us than we'd dreamed...and we found a partner with whom we can share all that we are discovering.

We are constantly finding new things to enjoy independently and together. We've had so many “firsts”. So many. You drove 2000 miles and more to prove I existed...that I'm real...that my feelings for you are true in person and not just online. I rode a motorcycle and experienced a freedom in movement and feeling that I'd never known before. We explore each other's mind and body and discover nuances in ourselves and one another that we'd only suspected before...if we'd ever suspected them at all. We met in Salt Lake for our first Nerdtacular. My first DragonCon and your first with a companion from start to finish each day. (I think, love of my life, that when we dress up next year, we should go as a Doctor and one of the companions.) You shared your bed for the first time in your new home and had someone live with you for a week. You've opened your heart more widely than I think even you dreamed you could...and I've found a true friend and passionate lover such as I had only imagined in my finest, highest thoughts.

We let go of the life that had been...and would be...and we are making a new life together...finding what life has in store for us...waiting for us for how long now?

There are infinite infinities to call to mind the first movie we saw together. And whether it is five years, fifteen, or another thirty...I would rather spend all of those years...days...with you...than how I have been spending the last fifteen, twenty, thirty.

I'm no longer content to let life just happen to me. I don't think you are, either.

We may be 55 and 51...we may have bodies that need a little helping along in different areas...but our hearts and minds are young. Because we are learning and discovering and enjoying and anticipating and exploring this new life as children do: whole-heartedly and openly. And we're doing it together.

There is so much waiting for us, Pat. So very much.

Don't feel desperate. Embrace the passion we've found for life and for each other. Whatever time we have will be all the time we were meant to have. We don't have to be desperate to enjoy it. We just have to experience it gratefully and joyfully. As we have been.

* E. M. Forster