For the past few months, I've been going through a time of introspection. Rather haphazardly, in fits and starts more than any seriously dedicated time. It's as if I light on something, but get scared of dealing with it further, so I turn on some music, check facebook, or find something else to distract me from my uncomfortable musings.
Being comfortable in uncomfortable thoughts isn't easy, but I have to believe that true inner growth won't come unless I face those pesky, questionable, and uncomfortable thoughts and learn what I can from them.
Today, the thoughts were about what kind of Christian I am.
How I perceive Christianity has changed so much since I first became a believer in Christ.
At a very young age, things were fairly simple. It was told to me that Jesus was God's son in human form. He was born at Christmas and grew up with Mary and Joseph. He loved us very much. I believed that without question, without thinking that anything would be expected of me because of that belief. I was told that Jesus would be how I went to heaven and that I needed to be good.
Later I was told I needed to believe all the right things about Jesus to be "saved". Virgin birth, baptized, never sinned, died, rose again, was drawn up into heaven.
Still later, I was told that I needed to believe all the things good Christians believed to be saved.
I learned, and espoused, many things that people interpreted the Bible to say: Democrats are misguided at best and evil at worst. Santa Claus is a sin. Christmas trees are pagan. Voting is our religious duty. Voting Republican is the only way to have a godly government. Divorced people are sinning if they remarry. Homosexuals are bad. Hate the sin, love the sinner. Christians don't drink or smoke. Drug addicts are evil, and if there is a term for infinitely more than evil, then drug dealers are that. Gang members are worthless, etc.
I was in an emotionally abusive marriage to a man who used the Bible to admonish me and his version of Christianity was the one I was faced with every day.
I left the church a long number of years ago because I couldn't live up to the ideals of Christianity as I was dealing with them in my marriage. I was also going to a very conservative church in an extremely conservative town and my questions about right and wrong and what was and wasn't required to be a "good Christian" didn't sit well with the "in crowd." So I left. For a myriad of other reasons, too, which I won't go into now.
For some time, I've been thinking about Jesus...and wanting to get to know what HE says about all of these things. I've decided to "read the red" -- the words attributed to Jesus in the gospels, and the gospels, bit by bit, to see what Jesus is REALLY all about. I've been listening to the Jesus Christ Superstar, Live soundtrack a lot lately and have come to realize anew that I don't know much about Christ -- just what others have told me about him. We shall see where this leads.
*Maya Angelou
