"With self-discipline most anything is possible." *

Being just after the holidays and twelve days into the New Year, I'm doing a belated set of resolutions -- not all of which started or will start this month.

"The Mighty" is doing #52SmallThings, or 52 weekly goals, which I'm going to try to follow. That said, as I've learned at different times in my life, Thomas Jefferson's quote in the title, nothing is impossible, but you really have to be committed.

One of the non-resolutions that I made at the beginning of the year was to stop drinking soda of any kind. The only soda allowed this year is ginger ale or Sprite for stomach bugs or in recovery after surgery. I had my last soda on December 31st at work. I did have ginger ale this past Tuesday, but it was to help with post-surgery nausea and dry mouth after my D&C.

It's been hard at times, especially at work, but I've been successful at fighting the cravings. Mostly because I haven't given up caffeine in addition to sodas. I drink plain water, Hint water, unsweet tea, or coffee with milk. The biggest thing was to avoid the empty calories of all that sugar, as well as the chemicals in diet sodas.

The other thing I've been reining in has been online shopping. It was meant to decrease drastically if not stop altogether. I've had some slips (I bought tennis shoes online tonight), and I've managed to spend a small fortune at a boutique coffee shop today, but I haven't been shopping online as much. I "shop", but don't fill baskets, carts, or whatnot, and I'm definitely slowing down on the "Click" option.

Pat offered me 100.00 to give up Facebook for a week. He didn't think I could do it. As it's my main form of entertainment and expression, it has been hard. Normally, before surgery, I would have requested prayers and good vibes from my friends and family. It makes me feel safe even if I have an almost superstitious fear of NOT having the thoughts of others to carry me through scary things. But I didn't log on to post, and I didn't have friends post for me. I let my mom and my best friend Rhonda know that I wouldn't be available on Facebook or Messenger, however. Mom and I have been talking on the phone more, and Rhonda and I have been doing more regular texting. I'll call her tomorrow, too.

As you might have noticed, I've also been posting in my blog a bit more (this is my third post today). I've also been writing letters. I do plan to go back to Facebook, but I'm going to try to curb my use of it to an hour a day instead of the many hours I was on in the evenings and on weekends. I may even limit it to three days a week for the time being.

For some of my #52SmallThings, I want to try a week without sugar and maybe make it two, and see how things go from there.

I want to start working out more in between my training sessions with Scott at LA Fitness, so I'm shooting for two trainings and two workouts on my own. I have a ton of sessions to use, but two a week will be good enough to start. That can't start until after the 23rd due to post-op restrictions, but it's a nice goal for the end of January.

I want to spend more time writing to my friends and encouraging them. Not just on facebook, but via cards and letters. This includes family, too. I didn't get Christmas cards out, but I want to take a week in February to write them all.

I also need to start the DASH diet that my cardiologist recommended for me. I have the cookbooks, but I haven't read them and they aren't in my kitchen where I could make better use of them. For that matter, since I am already trying to cook more at home rather than sending out for dinner so often, I need to spend a week or two where I actually make a meal plan, a shopping list, and actually cooking from the DASH books.

It will all take self-discipline. Motivation comes and goes, but I need to decide when to do things and just make myself do them.



* Thomas Jefferson

"The most practical kind of politics is the politics of decency." *

"Why do liberals think Trump supporters are stupid?"

The following is by Florida writer Adam-Troy Castro, shared by a friend on FB:

'An anguished question from a Trump supporter: "Why do liberals think Trump supporters are stupid?"

The serious answer: Here’s what we really think about Trump supporters - the rich, the poor, the malignant and the innocently well-meaning, the ones who think and the ones who don't...

That when you saw a man who had owned a fraudulent University, intent on scamming poor people, you thought "Fine."

That when you saw a man who had made it his business practice to stiff his creditors, you said, "Okay."

That when you heard him proudly brag about his own history of sexual abuse, you said, "No problem."

That when he made up stories about seeing muslim-Americans in the thousands cheering the destruction of the World Trade Center, you said, "Not an issue."

That when you saw him brag that he could shoot a man on Fifth Avenue and you wouldn't care, you chirped, "He sure knows me."

That when you heard him illustrate his own character by telling that cute story about the elderly guest bleeding on the floor at his country club, the story about how he turned his back and how it was all an imposition on him, you said, "That's cool!"

That when you saw him mock the disabled, you thought it was the funniest thing you ever saw.

That when you heard him brag that he doesn't read books, you said, "Well, who has time?"

That when the Central Park Five were compensated as innocent men convicted of a crime they didn't commit, and he angrily said that they should still be in prison, you said, "That makes sense."

That when you heard him tell his supporters to beat up protesters and that he would hire attorneys, you thought, "Yes!"

That when you heard him tell one rally to confiscate a man's coat before throwing him out into the freezing cold, you said, "What a great guy!"

That you have watched the parade of neo-Nazis and white supremacists with whom he curries favor, while refusing to condemn outright Nazis, and you have said, "Thumbs up!"

That you hear him unable to talk to foreign dignitaries without insulting their countries and demanding that they praise his electoral win, you said, "That's the way I want my President to be."

That you have watched him remove expertise from all layers of government in favor of people who make money off of eliminating protections in the industries they're supposed to be regulating and you have said, "What a genius!"

That you have heard him continue to profit from his businesses, in part by leveraging his position as President, to the point of overcharging the Secret Service for space in the properties he owns, and you have said, "That's smart!"

That you have heard him say that it was difficult to help Puerto Rico because it was the middle of water and you have said, "That makes sense."

That you have seen him start fights with every country from Canada to New Zealand while praising Russia and quote, "falling in love" with the dictator of North Korea, and you have said, "That's statesmanship!"

That Trump separated children from their families and put them in cages, managed to lose track of 1500 kids. has opened a tent city incarceration camp in the desert in Texas - he explains that they’re just “animals” - and you say, “well, ok then.”

That you have witnessed all the thousand and one other manifestations of corruption and low moral character and outright animalistic rudeness and contempt for you, the working American voter, and you still show up grinning and wearing your MAGA hats and threatening to beat up anybody who says otherwise.

What you don't get, Trump supporters in 2019, is that succumbing to frustration and thinking of you as stupid may be wrong and unhelpful, but it's also...hear me...charitable.

Because if you're NOT stupid, we must turn to other explanations, and most of them are less flattering.'

* Thomas Jefferson

** With thanks to my husband for sharing this with me.

*

"Hair is a beautiful form of self-expression." *

Back in August, I shaved my head bald as part of a fundraiser for a coworker whose daughter has leukemia. Three male coworkers also shaved their heads, though not all the way bald. We raised a total of $10,000 for the cause. Because the little girl, Emma, couldn't grow her hair back right away, I kept shaving my head for the next two months. The last day I shaved was Halloween, and I went to work dressed as Mr. Clean.

Since November 1, my hair has grown out a little more than an inch. Everywhere I go, I get compliments on the sticky-up, natural color head of hair that I have. It's mostly dark brown with a whole lot of silver highlights (God's graffiti?). 

Today, even my psychiatrist commented on it, telling me that this hairstyle really suits me and she suggested -- as I have already been thinking -- that I should keep it this way.

So that's what I've decided to do. Keep it super short. i went to Great Clips today to get trimmed around my ears and the back of my neck. I used styling putty for the first time today to make it super spiky. 

Never in my life did I think I would have hair this short (much less be completely bald for two months), but I like the freedom it offers. Getting ready for work is a breeze, and speaking of breezes, I can drive with my windows down because my hair doesn't get in my face. I like how the grays are coming in across the top of my head and at my temples - it makes things kind of sparkly. 

For freedom and self-expression ("Hey, I can defy cultural norms," "Hey, I'm a free spirit!"), you can't beat short, short hair.


* Carolyn Aronson

“It has turned out to be an annus horribilis.” *

I have to say that 2018 has been a particular rough year for my family. So much bad stuff has happened that I can hardly believed we're all still living through it with as much grace as we can.

For myself, I have sprained an ankle, sprained a knee, been taken to the ER by ambulance twice (once for pulmonary effusion and once for unrelenting chest pain for which I ended up having a heart catheterization). All my meds are under review because hypertension, blood sugar, and bipolar symptoms have all been exceedingly high.

For my daughter, she fell and sprained her ankle badly. When that healed, she was hit by a speeding uninsured driver who flipped and spun her car with Emily and her friend Misty in it. Rescue crews don't know how they survived the accident. The other driver was doing about 100 mph on the highway in the Jaguar he didn't see fit to insure. Emily's trunk ended up resting against the front seat. Both girls were examined thoroughly at the ER with numerous tests done to make sure they were alright. Em is still having unresolved shoulder pain, still suffering from the whiplash, and having hallucinations and flashbacks as well as unrelenting crying spells and rages.

My mom fell and broke her arm on June 19th, was in the hospital when she flatlined for 20 seconds, had a pacemaker inserted, got pneumonia, MRSA, was put on life support twice, and is only getting out of the hospital this coming Monday or Tuesday. She's been doing lots of PT, probably is facing a surgery to free the nerve from bone where it broke, and will be undergoing PT for months and months to come.

Pat and I have been dealing with some family business which is unsavory and is based on faulty information. In addition, he had to leave ADP and take a contracting job nearby which put him on third shift. We hardly get to spend any time together and it's taking a toll on both of us.

There is, of course, good news among all of this.

My family has an extended network of friends and family who are diligent in their prayers for us and have been very encouraging. Our families support us in the things we are facing as a couple. Emily is alive and with counseling and medical help will be able to function again -- she did not die and suffered no severe bodily injury that will incapacitate her for life. She is not a vegetable; she is still as passionate about the things that matter to her as she's always been. Mom has come through everything in ways we dared not even hope for on the worst days. She will be going home in a few days, is still a big prayer warrior for those she loves, and my Dad has been by her side every step of the day.

My brothers and sisters-in-law have all stepped up to help and we've stayed in touch with all of this going on in spite of different schedules and different levels of proximity to Mom and Dad.

While the hurricanes impacted the Carolinas and Florida, Georgia only suffered a bit and where we are didn't get hit at all.

I have much for which I'm grateful, but I'll also be glad when loose ends are tied up and things can get back to normal.

* Queen Elizabeth

"I'm working at trying to be a Christian, and that's serious business." *

For the past few months, I've been going through a time of introspection. Rather haphazardly, in fits and starts more than any seriously dedicated time. It's as if I light on something, but get scared of dealing with it further, so I turn on some music, check facebook, or find something else to distract me from my uncomfortable musings.

Being comfortable in uncomfortable thoughts isn't easy, but I have to believe that true inner growth won't come unless I face those pesky, questionable, and uncomfortable thoughts and learn what I can from them.

Today, the thoughts were about what kind of Christian I am.

How I perceive Christianity has changed so much since I first became a believer in Christ.

At a very young age, things were fairly simple. It was told to me that Jesus was God's son in human form. He was born at Christmas and grew up with Mary and Joseph. He loved us very much. I believed that without question, without thinking that anything would be expected of me because of that belief. I was told that Jesus would be how I went to heaven and that I needed to be good.

Later I was told I needed to believe all the right things about Jesus to be "saved". Virgin birth, baptized, never sinned, died, rose again, was drawn up into heaven.

Still later, I was told that I needed to believe all the things good Christians believed to be saved.

I learned, and espoused, many things that people interpreted the Bible to say: Democrats are misguided at best and evil at worst. Santa Claus is a sin. Christmas trees are pagan. Voting is our religious duty. Voting Republican is the only way to have a godly government. Divorced people are sinning if they remarry. Homosexuals are bad. Hate the sin, love the sinner. Christians don't drink or smoke. Drug addicts are evil, and if there is a term for infinitely more than evil, then drug dealers are that. Gang members are worthless, etc.

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage to a man who used the Bible to admonish me and his version of Christianity was the one I was faced with every day.

I left the church a long number of years ago because I couldn't live up to the ideals of Christianity as I was dealing with them in my marriage. I was also going to a very conservative church in an extremely conservative town and my questions about right and wrong and what was and wasn't required to be a "good Christian" didn't sit well with the "in crowd." So I left. For a myriad of other reasons, too, which I won't go into now.

For some time, I've been thinking about Jesus...and wanting to get to know what HE says about all of these things. I've decided to "read the red" -- the words attributed to Jesus in the gospels, and the gospels, bit by bit, to see what Jesus is REALLY all about. I've been listening to the Jesus Christ Superstar, Live soundtrack a lot lately and have come to realize anew that I don't know much about Christ -- just what others have told me about him. We shall see where this leads.

*Maya Angelou

"...a person's teenage years (last) well into their fifties.” *

I was just thinking a bit ago, as I told Pat that something was "cool", that there are times my voice sounds like that of a 12- or 14-year-old. It's always been higher pitched, unless I've deliberately made it lower - as when I was working in radio or when I answered phones in the offices I've worked in. Once, when I was in my twenties and newly married, a commander of my Army husband's called the house. When I answered the phone, he asked if my father were home. As someone feeling rather grown-up as a newlywed, I was quite miffed at the time.

But it isn't just my voice that sounds young. There are times I still feel young. As if I were still 16 or 17.

Music can trigger all kinds of memories about different stages in my life. Not just because the music was popular when I was that age, either. Sure, music from the 1970s - especially disco - reminds me of junior high and high school to a large extent. But other songs from different eras, which I discovered at other ages, reminds me of the person I was when I was first hearing them for myself.

For instance, when my daughter was a toddler, some 27 years ago, we heard the song "Don't Sit Under the Apple Tree (With Anyone Else But Me)" together for the first time. When I hear it now, I don't think of the 1940s as much as I think of the mid-1980s when I was a young twenty-something.

I know that I am more mature in my behavior than I was in my teens and twenties, but there is something in me - maybe in all people - that doesn't believe that I'm as old as I am. I think I should have the energy I had back then. I should be able to stay up late and get up early and be okay for an 18 hour day. But that's not the case now. More often than not, I'm in bed by 9:30 or 10:00 and sleeping in until 6:30 and hoping that's enough for the next 15 hours.

I make better decisions...based on research and reasoning...than I did in my teens and twenties. But the desire to be rash, to be impetuous, is still there.

Sometimes, I wonder how much of this just how everyone is. The immortal thinking we have as youngsters and young adults doesn't give way so easily as long as our bodies are working well. Knowing that the "spirit is willing but the flesh is weak" is a hard concession to time and age that I'm beginning to struggle with.

But sometimes, too, I wonder how much this dichotomy of feeling has to do with my bipolar. Sure, I'm ready for bed at an earlier time and I'm getting more sleep. But is it because my body needs it or my emotional well-being needs it? I've started taking my psychiatric meds earlier because they make me more able to sleep. By taking them earlier, I can get in a full 8-10 hours of sleep, which is what my mind needs to feel rested and not go to racing thoughts on a regular basis. It's what I need to avoid hypo/mania and the behavior that borders on immature. Definitely it can be impetuous and have some repercussions that come with impromptu, unconsidered decisions and expenditures.

That feeling of invincibility -- that I am impervious to pain, consequences, sickness -- happens when I am hypo/manic. I *can* go without sleep, I *can* be ultra creative, but not without the threat of a drop in emotions as I become exhausted both physically and mentally. Hypo/mania rarely ends up reverting to a balanced emotional state, but instead drops into a depressive state. It's as if all the good endorphins become depleted and I have to recuperate.

I'm sure that is true to some extent, though I haven't studied it myself.

And maybe that euphoric feeling - which I associate with being a teenager or a twenty-something -- triggers that sense of being younger than I am because when I was those ages, I was already bipolar, but not diagnosed. I used to go days and days with a few hours sleep and maybe catnaps during the day. Sometimes, I would go 48-72 hours without sleep. Wildly creative, talkative, impulsive, and sometimes even more productive. That was hypo/mania. Argumentative, agitated...that was often there, too.

Stability has been hard won. It's taken medication, new habits, an amazing support system, and a lot of effort on my own to curb my whims. I'm not always successful.

Whether it's because of maturity or just being tired of the rollercoaster of emotions, I try to stay on top of things now. And so far...so good.

But I'm still going to keep saying things are cool.


*Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

"If you come home as happy as you leave, you have had a good vacation." *

Pat and I just took a vacation to Texas over the past week. It was one we greatly looked forward to, in spite of both of us having an anxiety disorder. It was a time to reconnect with family and friends, and we did everything we set out to do except hit 6th Street in Austin for the night scene. True, though, we also did a few things we hadn't planned to do that were happy events.

We had good flights all around - no turbulence, no long layovers and yet no rushes to make the next flights, and gorgeous weather. I had some pretty hefty anxiety on the flight home, so I took a Klonopin to calm down. Klonopin at full dose works *extremely* well at 38,000 feet and I finally learned why people take anxiolytics recreationally. If I need one on a flight again, I'm not likely to take a full dose.

We arrived in Wichita Falls in the mid-afternoon of Friday the 13th, picked up our rental car, loaded up, and headed to my parents house. Dad and Pat went to Willie's Place to get bbq for us all and we enjoyed some slightly salty ribs. Emily and Chris came over when she got off work and we all enjoyed some good conversation and catching up.

Saturday morning brought some more visiting with Mom and Dad, then Emily came to get me for our tattoo appointments. On the way over, she suggested that we each get the word "journey" on our forearms, with each written in one another's handwriting. So I have a printed word in her hand, while she has a cursive word in mine. I then started getting the bee that I originally came for and ended up with the violets that I had been considering, too. The bee represents Emily because her first name - Deborah - means the bee. The violets represent the three babies I lost to miscarriage - Katie, Corrie, and David. The tattoo is beautiful and I would recommend Elia at Classic Tattoo in Wichita Falls to anyone who wants a meaningful work of permanent art. She is still an apprentice, but she is an artist, too, and it shows.

Saturday evening, Pat and I went to Emily's apartment to visit with her and Chris. Em colored my hair for me -- a nice deep red (ruby, by L'Oreal) while we all watched "Crazy, Stupid Love" with Steve Carrell and ate pizza. It was a good visit with them.

Saturday night we spent with Mom and Dad. We were preparing for an early Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday, so Dad cooked the giblets and I made the cranberry sauce. Mom told me that her secret to it was adding cinnamon, so I did and now I know what the missing ingredient has been to my version all this time!

Sunday, my brother Jay, sister-in-law Tina, niece Briella, niece Amanda and great-nephew Tucker, Emily, and Chris came over for turkey dinner with all the trimmings. Tina made sweet potato casserole from scratch, while I made green bean casserole, the stuffing, and poured the Heinz gravy into a pot to cook. We had so much food left over! Alas, Pat and I left town the next morning so missed out on turkey sandwiches and reheated dressing. Sigh!

Sunday night, my great friend Rhonda Saenz came over to visit for a a few hours and we all had an enjoyable time laughing, chatting, and catching up on the latest in each other's lives. It was sooooo good to see her as  I miss her greatly.

Monday, as I said, we headed out of town to Austin. I made Pat take the "back way" down there so we could stop at the Koffee Kup restaurant in Hico. Famous for its pies, its regular food leaves a lot to be desired. I should have stuck with the BLT I normally get, but I opted for Chicken Fried Steak since I can't get it here in the 'burbs of Atlanta. It was awful, much to my dismay, but the pie did not disappoint. Pat had Key lime and I had a piece of Doctor's Office. Then we bought a blueberry banana one to take to his sister Chris in Kerrville.

After lunch, we journeyed on to Austin, where we spent two days in the nicest bed and breakfast I have ever been in. The room was appointed with wooden doors all nicely stained, with medallions in the upper corners. There were skylights and beautiful wooden floors. There was a working fireplace, a tiny but full kitchen, and all kinds of nooks and crannies to explore. It was right in the middle of downtown in an historical neighborhood and we weren't far from the shopping district or Sixth Street.

That evening, we went to meet and visit with "Mike TV" and his girlfriend Katy as Mike recorded an hour-long concert. He is doing 40 concert podcasts in 40 days and we were lucky to be in on the 3rd or 4th one. Afterwards, we visited for an hour or so, discovering that we have much in common, and Katy added me to her facebook friends which is great since I was just about to ask if I could add her to mine. :)

Tuesday we puttered around downtown Austin after having a leisurely morning in the B&B. Pat and I spent a good hour or so in Toy Joy - a fun and opulently unique toy store on 2nd Street (also known as Willie Nelson Boulevard). We picked up some Harry Potter candies and treats for Emily, a coloring book for our friend Ami, and a toy duck for my great-nephew. I have a sense of deja vu that he may already have one, but a kid can never have too many rubber ducks, can he?

Then we headed to the Laramie restaurant on 2nd which serves some of the finest brisket I have ever had in my life! The crust was perfect and not too salty, the meat was fork tender but not falling apart, and the marbling was spot on. For a side, I had macaroni and cheese. But the most fun were the appetizers! We had deviled eggs with caviar, along with miniature peppers of some kind that were crisp, crunchy, and looked like little green olives on stems.

Back to the B&B for a long nap for me and some reading for Pat, then we went out to meet his brother Mike for dinner. Mike was in Austin from Oregon for a conference and it was nice to spend a couple of hours with him. This is the third occasion we've been able to spend time with Mike and I've enjoyed every minute of it.

Wednesday morning we headed to Kerrville where Pat's sister Chris and her husband Clark live. We spent all of the late morning into the mid-evening with her just chatting and laughing. She prepared a veritable feast of salads for us to enjoy including a green salad, chicken and tuna salads, a carrot salad, and an apple salad. There may have been more, but it was all delicious and I need her recipes for them all! (She's promised me a recipe for green bean casserole in time for Thanksgiving here in Georgia that I'm looking forward to.) I was able to get the scoop on a couple of things Pat did as a wee lad, and I had a good laugh with them both about how someone could "ruin (his) happy day!"

We went back to Chris's and Clark's the next morning for a couple of hours before we headed back to Wichita Falls. Then Emily joined us for dinner at the Jalapeno Tree, which is my favorite restaurant in all of Wichita Falls and has the best spinach enchiladas anywhere.

On the trip, we saw a family of deer in Chris's neighborhood, a buck with a huge rack of antlers on the road north to Wichita Falls, and a wild turkey that almost hit our car when it flew across the road.

All in all, we had a most enjoyable trip. We looked forward to spending time with the people we love and we were able to do just that. It was low-key, which we had also been looking forward to. And we came home as happy as when we left. There are still two days left on our vacation before we return to work for a three day work week. Still more low-key and just relaxing. It's been an especially enjoyable week.



* Unknown