“Faith: It does not make things easy; it makes them possible.”*

Depression has a way of sapping all the good things out of life. And it doesn’t have to be depression that comes about because of anything. No event, no maltreatment, no change has to occur for those of us prone to depression to fall into pits of despair and think we will never find our way out.

Tempting thoughts, those.

“I will never find my out.”

“It will always be this way.”

“Nothing will ever change.”

For a while, it was only because I didn’t want to have anyone think less of me that I clung to life with a hardly tenacious hold. I didn’t want to let anyone down, sadden anyone; make anyone ever wonder what they could have done to have convinced me to keep on living. A sense of guilt or obligation can be a powerful thing, evidently.

After a while, stubbornness wasn’t enough and I turned for help to the medical professionals. I took medication. I received counseling. I joined support groups. I was a “getter” – someone that “got help” from others. I looked to those with more knowledge and expertise to guide me through a maze of depressive episodes.

I’d like to say that I bounced back. But when one is depressed, one is deflated. There is no bouncing.

There can, however, be a slow re-inflation.

The meds? The professional care? The support from family and friends?

It all has a place in recovery.

There have been times in my life when my faith has been small…weak…almost (but not quite) non-existent. My spiritual faith has faltered. My faith in others has been shattered. My faith in myself has dwindled down to almost nothing.

But it never died.

Always, there was a spark of faith…a glimmer of hope…that there would one day be more than the obstacles I could see, the darkness in which I was engulfed, and the mind-numbing dreariness I felt.

Today, about seven years out from my last deep depression, I find myself not only in a stable place…but standing firmly on a foundation of faith.

Faith not just in meds or doctors or others who have believed for me all these years, but faith, too, in myself.

I set some goals and achieved them. I stepped out into the unknown and landed on my feet. I stretched out my hand from the merry-go-round and grasped the brass ring.

Good things are happening.

With my job. With my friends. With my family. In my heart.

Some things are happening that I could never have expected.

I had faith that things could get better…but even I couldn’t have dreamed what things might come when I was willing to step out in faith.

Indeed the verse is true for me. Faith has been there…however much in small measure…and it has not magically made things easy.

But it has made a rich, full life possible.

My friends, if you are in darkness, know that someone else has been there, too. We…I…hold out a candle…a flame of faith…in the night for you until you can walk again in the light of day.

It will come.

Have faith.


*Luke 1:37

"Dreams can come true again When everything old is new again..."*

Wow! If that's not a true lyric, I don't know what is.

I just turned 51...an age I would have once thought "old". I remember being little and learning my grandmother was 50...and she was ancient.

But here I am, 51 years old, and my life has been nothing but change, change, change the past year.

As mentioned before, I did graduate in July of last year. I'm sometimes slow, but I'm writing again now that I don't HAVE to do it for school. I have been writing letters and poetry, and bouncing around ideas for some short stories and blog posts. It's good to be coming back into my stride again with the words I've always loved.

I'm still working for the local MHMR and have been to even more trainings. I'm getting the hang of packing light, learning lots, and relaxing in hotel rooms after class is over. I've been to a national conference for people with all kinds of mental health diagnoses and came away with more information and ideas of what it means to live in recovery.

I have fallen in love with a dear friend of mine whom I've known for almost ten years. We just had our first vacation together where we both enjoyed many firsts. He rode his motorcycle 1000 miles to see me and to teach me how to ride a bike. From a girl who has always been terrified of them, I have turned into a woman who loves riding on them. My mounts and dismounts are still far from graceful, but I'm doing it. My love gives me a thumbs up and a big grin whenever I perfect a move off of the bike and I laugh like crazy when we speed up on the road. I've gone from holding on to the handgrips so hard that my hands have lost feeling, to riding comfortably with my hands on his back or around his waist. F

New is how I feel. Not old and ready to retire, but young at heart and ready to meet new adventures and face any challenges that life might bring. I've sometimes been one to settle for the status quo. Okay...I've almost always been one to settle for the status quo...to not rock the boat...to not try new things. But this journey that started when I set my mind to going back to school in my forties just keeps getting better and better.

Here's to being "new again"!


*"Everything Old is New Again" by Peter Allen and Carole Bayer Sager

"Each day means everything's possible again." *

Today is Day 6 of the 21 Day Challenge. I've followed the food portion extremely well, and have lost 1 pound. I have not managed to walk a mile every day, however. The first day, I did about 2 miles...then didn't do anything for two days. The fourth day, I was going to walk after work, but we had a trip to the ER with my daughter, so that didn't happen. I walked probably two miles on Saturday (which was a break day), and then didn't walk today again. Still, for starting so much new stuff (challenge, job hours, church, Bible study, etc.), I think I'm doing okay.

The good thing is that tomorrow is a new day and that means "everything is possible again". So there's a good chance I can take my hour lunch and get my walk in on my lunch hour like I did last Tuesday.

Church was good this morning. Sunday School, aka Life Group, was interesting even though I hadn't studied the lesson and missed the first half of it last week. Then today was the first time I'd been able to hear the pastor speak. He and his family were on vacation when I first started coming, so all I'd heard were guest speakers and then another guest speaker when he came back. I missed church last week, as I said, so I didn't hear that sermon. Today was good, though. Spot on preaching and nothing that would just "tickle the ears" of anyone that was actively listening.

I'm learning to be better organized in things now, though my room is still not in tip-top shape. Lunches are being planned and packed the night before (just have to hope I don't forget to take them); Mom's meds are being put together for the week on Sunday evenings; mine will be when I get the new refills; and I'm planning better about my sleep habits. All these changes and additions to my life mean I need to be better at managing my time and my peripheral activities. Here's to hoping I do just that!

There is a small support group among my coworkers now. I named us the "Farabeeans" after another employee used the term in a general email to everyone. We work at the Helen Farabee Center, so it seems kind of catchy. The five of us in the group are working on healthy, positive goals for our lives which involves two of us doing the 21 Day Challenge to varying degrees, three of us giving up soda, and one of us quitting smoking. We have been trying to get together to do something on Saturdays as an encouragement and reward to ourselves. Yesterday, we went for a walk in the park then grabbed a sandwich at the local coffee shop. It was nice visiting with each other and getting to know each other better outside of work. I predict great things for all of us -- individually and as a team.

So that's what's going on right now. I've lost a pound and I'm not measuring my inches yet since I haven't been exercising much. But the thing I'm happiest about is no sodas in six days -- not even when it's been really, REALLY tempting!

* Marie Lu

“The beginning is always today.” *

And today was the beginning of the 21-Day Challenge. I committed in myself to do the mile walk every day and to follow the diet. The exercises are not something I'm going to commit to yet because for some reason I have a dread fear of jumping jacks. It's totally irrational, of course, as many of my fears are; but there you have it. I'll walk a mile, or two, and do some crunches and leg lifts and even attempt the elusive sit up...but I'm terrified of jumping jacks...and not just because of my large bosom.

Doing without soda during the day was fine: I took my spearmint, unsweetened, half-caffeinated tea to work in my big Tervis tumbler and made that last through lunch. I then had two bottles of water in the afternoon. Another glass of tea, this time sweet to finish off the old gallon so there was room in the fridge for the new gallon Dad bought. Water at the women's Bible study, though there were sodas for the taking. I wasn't even tempted by them. What I WAS tempted by, however, was the Pepsi I fixed for Mom before I left this evening. There is something about opening a bottle and pouring a glass of soda that just begs for at least a sip...if only to test if it had indeed gone flat. But I did resist.

I also resisted the crackers, the chips and salsa, and the miniature cupcakes (red velvet with cream cheese frosting!) that were served at the women's meeting. It wasn't difficult as there was plenty else to choose from: fruit (I passed on the dip), fresh veggies, cheese, and sliced meats. Dinner was a large salad with some protein in the form of cheese, chicken, and egg. I don't think the bacon bits count as protein, but it came with the salad and couldn't really be picked off, so there you have it...I ate the bacon. And loved it!

Lunch was pretty healthy: Triscuits, some hard salami (I know, not as healthy as I could have been), cheddar cheese, grapes, yogurt, and almonds. Almonds are my go-to snack when I want something crunchy anyway, so they are always in my desk drawer.

Lunch is already packed for tomorrow, too, with some celery and peanut butter going along for a mid-afternoon snack. My snack for meds tonight was a small bowl of Cheerios. I haven't been starving and I feel "cleaner" for having eaten so much fresh fruit and veggies today, so there's that.

Today was the beginning...and tomorrow will begin Day Two of the 21-Day Challenge.

*Mary Shelley

"I am Here to Live Out Loud" *

Well, I go and quote that, and yet I have been silent in here since October of last year. What have I been doing in all that time? A quick wrap up in no particular order:

I finished school in June and received my diploma in mid-July. I graduated summa cum laude with a degree in Creative Writing and English, and a minor in English Language and Literature. The plan was to start writing for a newspaper or magazine, but as is often the case in life things change. Because,

In February, I started volunteering at the local mental health authority and I was hired for part time work there in March. My position is Peer Provider (now with training and testing, it is Peer Specialist). This means I work with other people with psychiatric challenges and diagnoses to help them achieve a life beyond their illness, help them on their paths to recovery, and to be an example of what we can all achieve even with the problems that beset. Not all of them will go back to school, but some will. Some will get jobs, get their own apartments and houses, learn to drive, learn to shop on their own again and keep a budget: all the things I thought I might never do when I was first diagnosed with bipolar almost 9 years ago.

I met my coworker, Rhonda, when I got this job. We share an office and she, too, is a Peer Specialist. Her diagnosis is different than mine, but the challenges remain similar and our jobs are the same. We hit it off from the beginning and have become good friends. We were both hired for full-time positions which we start this week, still share an office, and now we hang out after work and on weekends, too. For the past four or five years, my New Year's Resolutions have included: "Make one new friend." This year, it finally took, with little effort on my part.

In March or April, I went for a week long training in Austin to become a Peer Specialist. My boss was along for the ride down there because he was helping teach the course. Great for me, because I'm a chicken about driving. However, he had another meeting to attend after ours was over, and I had to drop him off and drive home by myself. I did it with some trepidation and a bit of a turn around when I took the wrong exit, but I ended up enjoying the ride home. Rental cars are always so nice to drive, it even turned out to be fun.

In May/June, Rhonda and I went to Houston for a three day "Focus for Life" training. We stayed in a hotel next to the one that burned down and in which several firefighters were killed. We were the only ones in our hotel for the remainder of the weekend, so that was kind of surreal. The training was fantastic and life-changing.

In June, we went to a couple of seminars, one here in Wichita Falls and one in Dallas, then we traveled to Dallas for the Advanced Course for Peer Specialists for three days. I traveled alone to Austin for a two-day course in July, and that put an end to travels and trainings for a while. Now, Rhonda and I, along with our boss, are looking forward to a convention in December, also to be held in Austin, in which people working in the mental health field come together from all over the state to learn about all kinds of things. I don't know all the particulars yet, but I'm hoping we get to go.

I quit working at Cracker Barrel back in March. I had received my five year pin in August and had made a promise to myself that I wouldn't be there for a ten year pin. Now that I am away from all the noise and visual stimulation, I find that I can work much better. I knew that an office environment would be good for me, and this new job is wonderful for that. I made friends at Cracker Barrel among my coworkers and I miss them, but I don't miss all the sensory overload that I had while I was there.

Now I am starting a new chapter. Tomorrow is my first day of full-time work and it is the first time in eight years I have worked full-time, even including the nine months I worked three different part-time jobs at the same time. I have started attending church again, including a women's Bible Study that starts tomorrow evening. Rhonda and I have also joined a 21-day challenge (below) that also includes an exercise plan and walking a mile a day. I'll get my mile in on my lunch hour at the 50+ Zone where I am now a member. I've met a gentlemen there that I talk with and go to the Zone's movies with from time to time. It's not a relationship, but a friendship, and that's fine by me.

So that's what is new with me since October. I'm sure there have been other things, but none earth-shattering that I can think of...not in my life anyway. I have been challenged to blog about my 21-Day Challenge and how things are going with that, so I will.

For now, I'm getting ready to go out with Rhonda for one last brownie before the big event. I plan to keep living life out loud, if without soda and yummies!

* Emile Zola

"I dwell in possibility -- " *

In the early 1990s, I started what became a two decade wrestling match with depression that took me into dark places of my mind that I never knew existed. I fought back with prayer, counseling, and medication. When those failed to deliver me, when I developed psychotic hallucinations and delusions, I fought back in psychiatric hospitals. Seven times I was admitted to a psych ward between 1996 and 2005; six times I thought I had conquered the darkness. Today, I know that the depression was due to bipolar disorder. Today, I know that I do not conquer it once and for all, but continue to overcome it every day for the rest of my life.


My long battle with the depressive part of bipolar began in 1992 at the end of a difficult pregnancy which resulted in miscarrying twins. Following closely on the heels of that was a major move and change in lifestyle. From 1992 until 1996, I sought help through counseling within my church and talking with friends and family. There were times when the fog lifted, but for most of those three and a half years, I was bathed in despair. I always felt I was a failure as a mother, wife, and Christian. There was nothing I set out to do that I felt I accomplished with success. That those thoughts were untrue never occurred to me. Part of the delusion that bipolar depression brings about is that of abject failure.


I often thought of ways to die; frequently envisioning violent, gory images involving knives, claws, and other sharp objects. I then spent lots of time alone in my bathroom, sitting in the tub and running water to drown out the sounds of my crying. I was also trying to wash away the things that made me so objectionable to others, though those things were not at all the thoughts or intentions of others. I had many of the classic symptoms of depression: feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness, inability to sleep all or sleeping all day by turns, difficulty in accomplishing everyday tasks, irritability, and fatigue.

The first time I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital was in 1996. The mental images of drastically hurting myself were at an all-time high. I constantly saw images of bloody knives and scissors. I worked with scissors at my job, as well as an industrial sewing machine, and I fought an overwhelming onslaught of imagery involving slicing myself or ramming my hand under the needle. Work became impossible.

One day, I left my machine and called a friend for help. My plan had been to run naked down a busy street in the next town in the hopes of being arrested and locked up where I would be safe. Instead, my friend took me to see a psychiatrist on an emergency basis. By nightfall I was in a locked ward with a dozen other women all dealing with some form of mental illness.


Over the next eight years, I continued with bouts of depression and was eventually started on a years-long course of anti-depressants. Because I never presented to a hospital with problems other than depression, no other diagnosis was entertained.


I started back to school in 1997 and excelled, pulling a 4.0 in spite of dealing with serious stress at home. I landed a job from my externship and did well, but I was having more and more difficulty concentrating, couldn’t sit still, and would behave in very unprofessional ways at work. One of my bosses wondered if I didn’t have adult attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder. I wondered, too. I also wondered if I might have bipolar because I would start the day depressed and end the day feeling super high. I never did drugs or drank alcohol, though substance abuse is often co-morbid with bipolar. Other hypomanic behaviors were there: starting projects and not finishing them, a sense of invincibility, no apparent need for sleep, and a constant feeling of being “up”.


The cycling between depression and hypomania should have been something that my doctors and I “caught” early on. But, like most bipolar people, I only sought help when the depressive symptoms were interfering with my life. Including the doctor that arranged for my first hospitalization, I saw eight different doctors and counselors before learning that my true problem was bipolar disorder. Like many bipolars, I was always initially diagnosed with clinical or major depression.


At the beginning of 2000, I became a reporter/ editor for a local newspaper. I was functioning pretty well and not dealing with much depression. The anti-depressants I was on had me in a state of constant hypomania – one of the problems bipolar people have with that particular class of drugs. I worked long hours, stayed up late, covered everything that needed covered in our small town, and rarely had a “stringer” to help me get everything done. I was the sole news reporter.


The long hours and constant lack of sleep, coupled with the deadline stress and problems at home, resulted in a full blown panic disorder. I’d been prone to anxiety and had suffered what I now know were panic attacks, but the job stress brought everything to the fore. Anxiety and panic disorders are also frequently co-morbid with bipolar disorder. I spent many evenings in ER with dangerously high blood pressure and chest pains. I underwent scores of cardiac tests. Everything was always negative for heart disease. Having the diagnosis of a panic disorder allowed me to get counseling and medication to treat that, but the bipolar continued undiagnosed. Again, I was only seeking help for symptoms that were troublesome to me.


At some point in 2000, the anti-depressant I was on quit working and I started having problems with depression again. A new anti-depressant put me into a full-blown mania that lasted for well over a year. During that time, I married an ex-con I’d met online and had moved to Indiana. I was spending more and more time online and losing all contact with my teenage daughter and my other friends. I was working more hours at the paper, but risked my job with some bizarre behavior outside the office. Finally, it all fell apart.


The year 2004 saw the beginning of what would be six hospitalizations within a 15 month period. All the psychotic features of the worst depressions were back. Now I saw my hands as werewolf-like, capable of ripping my throat out. I would close my eyes and see demonic images full of fury and hatred. I became depressed again and suicidal.

What started happening was severe rapid cycling. The more my depression was treated with anti-depressants, the worse the manic and psychotic features became. I would go to the hospital to get help with the suicidal ideation and difficulties sleeping, get counseling, and still end up back in the hospital several weeks or months later.


It wasn’t until sometime in 2005 that my psychiatrist finally pegged me with bipolar disorder and started a course of medical treatment that included anti-psychotics and mood stabilizers to lower the highs while maintaining the anti-depressants to raise the lows. Since that time, I have been on various “drug cocktails” as we work to keep my symptoms at bay. I left the paper, quit several other jobs, left the ex-con, moved back to Texas, changed psychiatrists several times, and have been on more medications than I can count in my effort to put my life back on an even keel.

Bipolar is never something that one “gets over”. It cannot be cured like cancer, but it can be controlled like diabetes. For now, everything is mostly under control. With counseling and finessing the meds, I have been able to return to school where I maintain an A average. I will be graduating next year with my first bachelor degree. From being at a point where I couldn’t function in a normal job or in any normal capacity, I have now held the same job for five years. From feelings of hopelessness and despair of ever having any success in life, I know now that I live a life of endless possibilities.

* Emily Dickinson

“Mmm … bacon." *

I have to admit to being a bacon freak. Ever since I was a little kid, the smell of bacon early in the morning has meant home, family, love and comfort. I think the first places I associate with bacon cooking are my grandparents' homes.

There was Grandma Giger in her big farmhouse kitchen, wearing a dress by 6 a.m. and fully aproned, turning bacon in the skillet for Grandpa and my dad when they came in from chores. She'd start a new pan of bacon for my cousins, my brothers and me as soon as we rolled out of bed, which might be as late as 8 a.m. since we were there visiting on our summer vacation. My aunts and Mom would eat with us. Maybe my uncles and my Dad would join us again. Perhaps they were like Hobbits -- having second breakfast.

At my Nana's house, there was no apron, and there was none of that 6 a.m. business. But as soon as we kids were awake enough to roll out of bed and mention being hungry, it was time for her to throw a dish towel over her shoulder and start the bacon.

Eggs, pancakes, French toast...I suppose we had all of those, too. Well, I know we did. But the smell of bacon in the house meant someone that loved us very much was up and cooking something to fill our bellies and tantalize our tastebuds.

There is still bacon in the house. Though Dad is now the chef and the microwave has replaced the cast iron skillet. When I smell bacon cooking on a Saturday or Sunday morning now, I wake up smiling and wander into the kitchen to grab a piece or to ask for a share of my own.

I'd love to be one of those bacon connoisseurs and get paid to travel around the country trying all the bacon there is to sample. But that job has already been taken. Chef Todd Fisher was the lucky son of a gun chosen for a cross-country bacon tour. The result? A three hour special called the United States of Bacon.


And yes, I know all about fat and cholesterol and how bacon isn't good for me. Surprisingly, my grandmother who probably had it every day of her life lived a long life and my Nana's health problems later in life were not due to bacon. Still, I don't have it every day...maybe a couple of times a month, if that. Doesn't mean I don't still wax nostalgic for the time when my daughter and I had either bacon or sausage with eggs almost every day for several months. Back when I was making breakfast every day and back when my cholesterol count was better than my doctor's.

Now I eat microwaved bacon at home, carefully absorbing all the grease between two layers of paper towels. I eschew the bacon bits on my baked potatoes, and I am careful with them in my potato soup. I still enjoy the occasional BLT sandwich if the tomatoes are thick cut and garden fresh. If I eat breakfast out, I will opt for bacon over sausage almost every single time...especially if I eat at Cracker Barrel, where I almost always pick breakfast for my meal of choice. Bacon, eggs, grits, biscuits. It doesn't get better than that.

But apparently I'm not alone in my love of bacon. And now bacon lovers all over the world have put their creative bacon ideas out for the public to enjoy. There are bacon sodas, bacon brownies, chocolate chip and bacon cookies, bacon toothpaste (!) and floss (!), and even bacon vodka and beer. I haven't tried any of these nor have I tried Hiway Cafe's chicken-fried bacon here in Wichita Falls. But that isn't to say I won't. I'm game for a taste of most things. I just haven't had the opportunity to try some of these things yet.

On Pinterest this past week, someone had bacon pancakes pinned up. They look awesome and I will have to give them a try if I can talk Dad away from the microwave and back to the griddle.

Goofing on the internet today, I discovered a wonderful site dedicated to bacon: BaconToday.com. If you are a lover of bacon and all things bacon-flavored and themed, you must check out BaconToday.com. It has bacon news, a bacon shop, bacon reviews, and bacon recipes.

I may be in trouble the rest of the week. It's payday soon and I have a hankering to try those bacon brownies!

Maybe Mom will smell me cooking bacon and making brownies and think, "Ah, somebody loves me is cooking something wonderful for me."

In any event, I feel some bacon coming on!


* Homer Simpson